Its been a while..

Needless to say, the last couple of years have been weird… I had high hopes coming into 2020, an idea of a whole world, full of possibilities! Boy was I wrong…

So yes, it’s been a while, I fully lost my mojo, I fell deep into darkness, then back to the light, then right back down the vortex, oh god, into the internet, like with no filter, ergh! I purged depression, I purged sadness, I purged happiness and joy, I even managed to find peace, but most of the time, I felt numb… I felt the life I once dreamed of growing into, had finally lost its glow. I often wondered what next? What kind of life awaits me after solitary confinement? Ok I had my dog, my cat and my hubby, but I lost a version of me, the one I had been hiding behind for so long, remember the girl i spoke about a while ago, the one who was hurting inside, the social, bouncy, life of the party, crazy fun , outgoing Anita! The lie! Wow, left with myself, and what was underneath… hmmm, that’s where the purging comes in.

Who is there underneath the act, who is there underneath the performance, I sat day by day wondering, pondering, who is this girl I am faced with, look at us, spending way too much time together, yet feeling so alone. Isn’t it funny, how you can live with a person, and I don’t mean my hubby, and not know anything about them.. Odd. I have known of Anita my whole life, i know how people would describe her, how people would look up at her, how people thought she was a fiery Scorpio full of love but ready to sting! But I had never truly taken the time to see her, meet her, spend some time with her. Thank you 2020! I found Anita!

I realised under the façade of this version of myself the world knows, was a version of myself I needed to discover.

Ok, well yeah, of course, past trauma surfaced, things I had been pushing down, pretending didn’t hurt, family hurt, ancient pain and sexual trauma, I was left with all the shit I didn’t actually deal with, the shit i thought i had. As I was living my life in the back seat for so many years, while the actress took the reigns, there was so much more going on inside, things boiling to breaking point, things being kept in a jar waiting for a breathe of air, I am grateful, yes grateful for the lockdowns and the solitary , prison like almost 2 years, why? It made me see myself for the first time, the girl with no make up, with no security blanket, no hiding behind dresses and heels, her flawed body, face, eyes and soul, and you know what, I love her.

I have realised, that i never took the time to listen to her, never took a moment off being “on”, never took a break to hear how she was going, truly, new things are coming for this girl, this woman, this goddess, just you wait, as now she is on my side, we are finally working together, it makes me unstoppable ! So after losing myself, I am in the process of rebuilding myself, I realise I am now ready for the next chapter, and boy am I excited to introduce my future to you.

In peace, I found truth, in truth, I forgave, with forgiveness, I am worthy of love.